Merry Xmas from the Perfects
Today the first Xmas newsletter arrived and it reminded me of the one I got a few years ago with a photocopy of someone’s new swimming pool attached! They are a great way to get all the news out to everyone, but that particular one prompted me to write spoofs for a few years. Re-reading them, some of it seems strangely prescient but still funny, even if that family life that we had then, is now well and truly over.
I thought they might give you a laugh and to those of you who got it the first time, I hope you still think they’re funny. I have abridged it all a bit but think you will still get it.
Xmas Greetings from the Perfects
Hello everyone, you will see from the date that I am cutting it fine again. I almost decided you could all get through the year without any up-dates on the greasy goings on of the Wallis family but couldn’t resist the annual opportunity to show off shamelessly,so now for some serious skiting!
It’s funny how things can just stay the same for so long, and then boom- it all changes very quickly. We are all changed, we now call ourselves The Perfects.
Brian has not had a cigarette for three years or a drink for eight months. This has resulted in major changes as I am sure you can well imagine, not the least of them being his new penchant for food. Ice cream, pineapple lumps, tomato juice (highly spiced -you could almost believe it had rum in it) and Indian takeaways (makes having an en-suite a liability). As a result, he has gained an uncharacteristic amount of weight. We call him Mr Tubby Perfect.
Meanwhile, Reuben has now left school. He is over six foot tall and has grown out of all that snuffling and sweating of teenage boys, emerging as a thoroughly pleasant young man. He has been pursuing higher learning in the form of a degree in business computing that he has now decided he does not want. He will be job hunting over the summer after an extended holiday in all the fleshpots NZ has to offer. He is Mr Nearly Perfect.
Laura will not be following Reuben to the fleshpots. She is being dragged, kicking and screaming on holiday with her parents. At fifteen, Laura views life very differently from her parents and we look ahead with a sense of knuckle-whitening dread. She is a girl with willpower. We call her Miss Absolutely Perfect.
As for me, I have become an unemployed civil servant, unrequired parent and unnecessary wowser who has lost and gained ten pounds three times in one year. I am now Mrs Past Perfect.
After Xmas we will be going on the Great South Island Camping Holiday. Brian has been pushing for this for twenty years and I have been resisting for so long that we have actually grown out of camping before we got round to it. And now Laura and I are trapped in this unseemly holiday. We prefer spa baths and hotels with thick bathrobes. We are not looking forward to toughing it out in the camp kitchens with overweight mothers of five cooking up roasts in the electric frying pan, while snotty-nosed children grizzle and whine over the trampoline. We are city dwellers, no longer suited to sand in our sleeping bags and walking round in public in our nighties. However, Mr Tubby Perfect has spoken and it is camping we will go.
Lots of love – The Perfects – Tubby, Nearly, Absolutely and Past
And here’s the one from the next year!!
Once Were Perfects
Merry Xmas all, things have changed a bit up here in Wellington. Brian (the Mus) now sneaks the odd vodka into his tomato juice and wonders what happened the night before. Don’t be too alarmed, there is always some busybody around to keep an eye on him and to tell me, and as we know, Brian’s good sense and good nature will always win out.
One Night Out Shopping is the story of Laura’s year. There has been the odd drama like getting school cert under her belt and finding creative ways to dump the boyfriend or getting your parents to agree to navel piercing, but shopping and being cool are pretty full on tasks. Laura is now a tall and talented young lady. Brian and I are treated to the odd conversation as she rifles though our wallets or as we are permitted to drive her to the next social engagement. We are, of course, still ridiculously besotted with her as we have always been, and are proud to see her growing up.
I am sure Alan Duff had a title with something about mist in it and that is the story with Reuben. He is missed around here most of the time. He comes home, sometimes eats, sleeps and leaves. We think he is Ok, he never stays long enough for us to find out.
But I am still Mrs Past Perfect – just a little further passed it. I now run a diet clinic that I set up in Paraparaumu. One Day Out Eating. It is the raw (never deep fried) material that I may one day turn into a novel.
So, yes, we are in free fall and don’t know when we will hit the ground.
Have a great Xmas.
Lots of love - the Far From Perfects